Spock and Puns
by MatchPlay
Summary: Five times Spock makes a pun and the one time Jim understands.


**Five Times Spock Makes a Pun and the One Time Jim Understands**

* * *

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"ETA, Chekov?" asked Captain James T. Kirk, mentally readying himself for another mission.

"Zeventeen-point-fiwe meenutes, Kepitan," said the Russian, his accent increasing due to excitement. His very first first contact!

"Isn't this exciting?" snarked Bones, knowing Jim's distaste for first contacts.

"If I do understand Leonard's use of sarcasm, might I add that this contact will indeed be very 'boron', if the mission statement was as thorough as one would believe," added Spock.

"Well, looky here, the Vulcan's starting to understand sarcasm. Congrats, Hobgoblin!" Bones roughly patted Spock on the shoulder.

Meanwhile, Chekov and Sulu we giggling - laughing, they would insist - all by themselves.

"What'd I miss?" asked Jim, confused.

"Spock! He-he said 'boron' instead, instead of 'boring'!" answered Sulu, trying to remember to breath between giggles.

Spock stood still, leaving no indication of his pun-making.

"Well, I guess I had to be there," Jim smiled up at the Vulcan standing next to him. "Maybe next time, eh, Spock?"

"Perhaps, Captain," he replied, offering a nearly invisible smile.

**4**

"Time for lunch, laddies!" bellowed Scotty, clapping his hands once before resting them on his slight belly. He takes a seat by Jim and the gang. "An', Jim, I got the dilithium crystals up an' in working order, so now we can stop using the ol'-style nuclear energy."

"Barbaric. Just like the rest of twenty-first century technology," Bones grumbled.

"Hmm... What for lunch? Any suggestions, Spock?" asked Jim, scanning the menu app on him PADD for ideas.

"Might I suggest 'fission' chips?"

"What's that? I got distracted by this chocolate cake..." Jim slipped back into dream world.

"Dammit, Jim! The pointy-eared computer is making puns, and all you can think of is cake!" barked Bones.

"It's _chocolate_ cake, though," Jim whimpered.

No one told Jim what Spock said, which was odd because Jim did end up with a plate of fish 'n' chips with that same cake for dessert.

"Want some, Spock?" asked Jim gleefully around a bite of cake.

"My will is strained at best, I have no need of chocolate to make this moment less favourable."

"Party pooper," mumbled Jim, taking a less enthusiastic bite.

**3**

"James, would you happen to know Admiral Pike's birthdate? The 'net is offering only fragmented and contradictory information."

"I'm surprised you don't already know, since you do know everything else, after all."

"Answer the question, please."

"I don't know it off the top of my head."

"Why don't you try underneath your head?"

"No, really, I don't know it."

Spock stared at his twitching fingers, torn between Vulcan kissing the silly man or illogically ramming themselves and the attached palm to his own forehead.

**2**

_You were meant to be an angle..._

"Might I ask why the lyrics to this song include the word 'angle' when one might refer to their love as an 'angel' instead?"

"I think it's meant to be ironic, but it's from two centuries ago, so who knows. Maybe the guy had a thing for angles over curves."

"Are you suggesting that the lyricist had a preference towards men rather than women?"

"He did live in San Francisco, it's only _logical_."

"Indeed. Logical."

Later that day:

"Damn ensign keeps staring at me. Does he really hate me for being younger than him and his captain? No, no. He wants to fuck me, doesn't he?"

"I had not though it possible, but your thoughts are highly 'angular', Captain."

"Don't you mean 'linear'?"

Spock raised his eyebrow.

"I feel like I keep missing out on your human side."

Spock continued his wordless stare.

Once Jim was called to the conn, Spock's lips could be found quirking into a half-smile.

**1**

"It is now below zero degrees Celsius, Captain," informed Spock.

Jim and Spock were separated from the ship and its crew AGAIN in life-threatening conditions AGAIN. Just another Monday, they supposed.

"That's great! Just fuckin' great!" exclaimed Jim in frustration.

"Yes, though it may be cool out, this scenario is not 'cool' at all."

"Stop talking, I can see you loosing body heat from your breath." Jim jumped up and down to keep warm in the cave entrance, searching the skies for the end of the storm.

"James. Might I ask you take your own advice?" Spock suggested, tugging at Jim's hand with his own to pull him into a seated position by the fire.

He then took off Jim's gloves, intertwining their cold fingers.

"Spock! Why-" Jim was silenced by the warmth sent through the touch despite both of their fingers being chilled. "Oh, um, that feels... nice."

"I can only control that which I touch."

"Would you-"

"Of course, Jim," whispered Spock as he brought the blond closer to himself.

**+1**

"This planet, though small, has an unusually high density. It's gravity will be immense and one would find it rather difficult to walk. As this is all your first mission without the Captain or myself, I trust that you shall take great care in your actions."

A row of red shirts nodded at Spock, equal parts eager and terrified.

"Scotty, seven to beam down."

"Aye, aye, Mister Spock," called Scotty as the younger crew was beamed onto the planet.

"You sure they'll be fine, Spock?" asked Jim, bright red lollipop in hand.

"The planet tested negative for lifeforms of any sort, they should be able to handle the mission satisfactorily. Though I believe Doctor McCoy would refer to you as a 'mother hen' and ask you to cease worrying, although with more colourful lan-" Spock stopped mid-sentence.

"What's up, Spock?" Jim released the lolly with a pop from his moistened lips.

"I find you to be very dense, Jim."

"Don't be calling me stupid! I-" Jim paused and put one (Spock calling him "Jim" rather than "Captain") and two (Spock's smouldering look) together. "Was that your way of calling me attractive, Mister Spock?" Jim let a slow smile stretch across his face.

"Affirmative."

"About time, you damn pointy-eared bastard!" barked Bones, with the best damned timing Jim could ask for. "Dammit, Jim, I knew you were scared, but I didn't know you were blind as well!"

"As Doctor McCoy appears to be verbally abusive at this moment, would you find it to be agreeable to take this discussion to my quarters?"

"That would be highly agreeable, Mister Spock."


End file.
